“The 3-year-old website offers dozens of love letter templates covering various aspects of relationships, including love at first sight, Internet courtship, apologies, long-distance, drifting apart, breakups and even secret romances. | Subscribers to the site, who pay an annual rate of $40, can download a letter, add their own personal touches and send it to their special someone who’s none the wiser.” Jenn Shreve

—Cyrano at Your Lovelorn Service Wired)

Here’s a sample:

“If we were eels would we migrate together? I envision us intertwined riding the Gulf stream across the cool oceanic depths, a slipknot, a caduceus wand, writhing our way aloft on our private eddy of warmth.”

Uh… sure. If you don’t have an ounce of romantic blood in your veins, you can buy some words, and your partner will never know. This is the “Cliffs Notes Guide to Relationships.” Does the market exist because so many young people used similar shortcuts to get through all their English lit and writing courses? Why should I tax my brain struggling with that question — I’ll just buy a copy of the “Cliffs Notes Guide to Being a Writing Teacher” and copy the answer.