I blame myself for allowing my son to play computer games!

I have a very hard time getting my son to go shopping, look for a new car, see a movie, travel.I told him what kind of life style could these people have. I told him the only thing he will end up in life having is a six pack of beer, a trailer, and a broken down car. Oh yes he will have his computer and games. Hope he can pay his monthly computer bills. I could kick myself for every starting this.But everyday I am working on less hours spent sitting in his chair talking with some real winners, It makes me sick to my stomach. —Diana (mother of a teen gamer, in a comment posted to the blog of a former student who has since graduated) —I blame myself for allowing my son to play computer games!

I wish I had more time to play video games. For Christmas, I asked my wife for 12 uninterrupted hours to play games, followed by a light-duty day where I could catch up on my sleep. I didn’t get it. And tonight, after I put the kids to bed, instead of playing games, I wrote this blog entry.

About 10 years ago, I had to delete Civilization II off my laptop because I was spending too much time playing it and not enough time finishing my dissertation. Still, I have managed to find a job where I study and teach about new media artifacts — including video games.

But video games are not the only distraction facing young people. I have known student-athletes who spend too much time at practice, and theater majors who spend too much time rehearsing. There are few jobs for professional athletes or actors, but that doesn’t mean that the time spent on these activities is wasted.

As a parent myself I know that when it comes to your kids, you have to trust your gut feeling because usually it’s right.

Still, the world today’s kids live in is very different from that of their parents. Diana might want to take a look at this article by Henry Jenkins, “Complete Freedom of Movement.” Jenkins is a scholar of popular culture and also a father.

Stephen Johnson’s recent book, Everything Bad is Good For You, may also be helpful. (I’ve picked up a copy based on good reviews, but haven’t read it yet.)

Having said all that, I’d say that if Diana pays the bills, she’s the boss. I don’t think Diana can force her son to be outdoorsy or athletic, but you can insist that a teen get a job to pay for the food and electricity and internet service and the rest. She can insist that a teen do chores around the house and keep up a certain grade level in order to earn privileges. But are video games luxuries in the information age?

My wife was furious once when my son (who was 5 or 6 at the time) was having difficulty concentrating on his schoolwork, and I sat down across the kitchen table from him with a stack of his beloved Godzilla DVDs. Every time my son sassed or got up from the table without finishing his work, I would ask him to pick which DVD I would remove from his stack and hide in my room. As the pile got smaller and smaller, his ability to concentrate improved greatly.

My wife – a movie buff — said she didn’t like that disciplinary technique one bit. Yet she regularly denies my son access to video games — usually certain specific video games — when he misbehaves.

My son knows which games we consider to be educational, he knows which games we consider to be fun-but-brain-stretching (such as chess, Civilization, Zoo Tycoon), and which we consider to be primarily recreational (such as X Wing vs Tie Fighter, which nevertheless taught my son to listen carefully to instructions delivered in-game, taught him that many tasks that seem impossible at first can be solved through diligence and persistence, and that other tasks will become more and more difficult until they defeat you, no matter how good you are). Sometimes when he doesn’t have permission to play, he studies the instruction manuals for the games. He can recite whole paragraphs from memory, and even ad-lib descriptions of objects and procedures I invent for him.

Sometimes after bedtime stories I will sit in the floor of his room with my laptop and blog while he describes what kind of environment each animal in Zoo Tycoon needs in order to survive (imitating whale calls, leopard growls, and dinosaur growls as appropriate), or he will make up stories set in the world of Starship Titanic.

As a disciplinary action, would I take away his basketball, his roller skates, and his scooter? Maybe, if he misused them. Would I deny him access to his own backyard? Hmm…

If my preschooler draws on the wall, she loses her crayons for the day. If she throws a block at me, the blocks go back in the box.

If my son read for hours and hours a day, would I take away his books? Never. My wife and I agree completely on that.

In the 21st century, is playing a computer game a privilege, like the TV or a spending-money allowance?

Again, while I think as a parent you have to trust your instincts, it may be the case that Diana’s son isn’t quite as isolated as she fears. Diana laments that she can’t get her son to be social, to go shopping, go to a movie, or travel. But he may already be socializing with friends online. He may be shopping online, watching movies online, and exchanging e-mails with people from around the world.

If he knows how to negotiate alliances and trade resources in a virtual environment, he may be developing vital skills that will help him in the global information economy. Diana’s son may be developing leadership skills, mentoring newbies and rejoicing in their accomplishments. He may have published his own game strategy guide, written fan fiction, or created his own user mods (new content that can be played by owners of existing games).

Obviously a teenager has obligations and responsibilities to the household, and any good parent will insist that a child meet certain standards.

But I bet if Diana asked her son why games are so important to him, and she listened with an open mind, she might learn something.

Update: Nancy McKeand suggests that the present mainstream fear of video games is like a previous generation’s fear of rock ‘n’ roll. O tempores, o mores!

9 thoughts on “I blame myself for allowing my son to play computer games!

  1. Thanks for your comment, Luke. I’m teaching a course where English majors are trying their hand at making text adventures, 2D arcade games, and a Half-Life 2 mod. I like the models you have on your site. What 3D tools did you use?

    Many people who aren’t gamers aren’t really aware of how important the social aspect of gaming is. Thanks for making a good case for it here.

  2. I have been playing games since I was 4 years old. I would watch my bigger sister play for hours and I was entranced, so on my 4th birthday she said if I learned how to tie my shoes that I could play final fantasy. Well within an hour I was tieing my shoes every couple minutes and then picking back up the nintendo paddle.
    I live in a small town in New York, there is not alot of people in my town that I liked as a child. So video games were my outlet, spending time playing games made me feel like I was accomplishing something vital. At the age of 15 I started developing my own games 2d game enginges. And let me tell you. Video games have been such a huge part of my life that I am going to school to be a Game Designer, without video games. I would have no friends at all… let me explain. When I was 17 I was the nerd of my class in high school, I was obsessed with a game called HALO. I would have LAN parties at my house with 34 people!!!! I noticed that kids started to talk to me in school more and I wasnt considered a nerd anymore, I was just considered really smart. Now be aware it is a proven fact the video games make your heart pump faster and your adrenaline to be induced into the blood stream but still…. everything in our media these days does the same thing.

    Games are good as long as you know they are games

  3. I know when I was younger and computer games in there infancy my parents worried that I spent alot of time playing games, I also went out with friends and did the usual things kids do, but my parents wondered the effect of playing so many games would have on me.

    Did I end up as someone struggling to pay the bills with no social skills..

    No, I left school and within a year had got a job being a freelance computer game artist, then over the years I have setup companies and worked with large corporate companies and now run my own company creating presentations… all from my initial love of computer games.

    SO I would say dont stop him playing games, talk to him about them, learn what he is learning about these games and use it as a punishement if he misbehaves, that way he will learn very quickly..

  4. I will admit that constructing a “Fortress of Solitude” for myself was a conscious decision, one that I constantly struggle with, but it continues bearing academic success. Apparently, that success works as a facade since many people disbelieve me when I say I am an introvert.

  5. Good point, Will.

    Just as it’s possible to describe “water” in such a way that it sounds horribly dangerous (“Prolonged exposure to solid DHMO (dihydrogen monoxide) causes severe tissue damage” — Facts about Dihidrogen Monoxide), it’s possible to present “sleep” or “homework” in such a way that it seems to interfere with one’s social life.

    Of course, many introverted people *choose* to spend time with fewer people, and that choice may have very little to do with whether or how they use media on their own.

  6. “my parents also feared that I may become too introverted because I might spend too much time helping Link save Princess Zelda, or getting a Class Change in Final Fantasy. Therefore, our agreement was that I could play video games, but only after my homework and studying was done.”

    haha – I mean, really, I don’t know of anyone who’s said that doing homework makes you less introverted?…

    I think your comment here Dennis is right on – “When you play online games with people you know, the online experience can really augment the offline experience.”

    I’ve found it to be true with other electronic media – I would never spend a significant amount of time chatting online with someone I’ve never met, because it’s just not rewarding. Once I’ve met them, though, it’s rewarding.

  7. Mike, you’re right to note that some games are more complex and less junk-foody than others. There are plenty of movies that challenge the viewer, spark conversations, and present the world anew. There are also plenty of movies (and TV shows) that aren’t even about the reward/punishment dynamic, but are instead (at their worst) making the viewer a completely passive consumer.

    Mashing a button isn’t a terribly meaningful action by itself, I admit, but it’s action.

    Cinema has about a 70 year head-start on games, so it’s going to be a while before we can point to a game that’s as significant as, say, Citizen Kane.

    As far as games being isolating… in a theater performance, while you don’t talk to the people around you while the show is going on, the emotional experiences of those around you do affect you, and do affect the actors (which in turn affects the performance). In movies, the communal experience doesn’t affect the performance, only our perception of the performance. But you can also socialize before the movie starts and after the movie ends.

    When you play online games with people you know, the online experience can really augment the offline experience.

    I feel the same way about the relationship you and I have through our blogs — we interact with each other on a much broader range of topics via blogs, despite the fact that our office doors are side-by-side.

    Having said all that, last night I took my son to the SHU/St Vincent’s basketball game. Everyone needs some actuality to go along with the virtuality.

  8. The thing about games that I think underscores most people’s discomfort with them is not only the way they isolate people from direct communication (face-to-face) with each other but also the Pavlovian behaviorism — or system of reward and punishment — that underscores virtually all of them, when you strip away everything else. If I were talking to Diana, I might show her the games that challenge these ideas. But the sad fact is that there are too few of them.

  9. Dennis, Great post! I support video games because I have played them since I was six, I believe, when comic books also grabbed me. However, my parents also feared that I may become too introverted because I might spend too much time helping Link save Princess Zelda, or getting a Class Change in Final Fantasy. Therefore, our agreement was that I could play video games, but only after my homework and studying was done. If my grades slipped, then I lost them.

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