I Regret to Inform You That My Wedding to Captain Von Trapp Has Been Canceled

Screen Shot 2015-01-05 at 6.25.19 PMI must confess to being rather blindsided by the end of our relationship. It seems Captain Von Trapp and I misunderstood each other. I assumed he was looking for a wife of taste and sophistication, who was a dead ringer for Tippi Hedren; instead he wanted to marry a curtain-wearing religious fanatic who shouts every word she says. —McSweeney’s Internet Tendency