Amusing: January 2003 Archive Page

Your name is Masakati, which means "White Queen" in the language of the Scorpion People. You were named this before you were hatched, when the serpent witches foretold to your mother Essekunit, the Tangeri Queen, that her child would be as great a ruler as had been not seen in this Age: that you would be Queen not only of the Tangeri but of all the Scorpion People, and take back the lands stolen by the Empire.

--The Wheel, Masakati Episode 1: The White QueenInterfable.net)

The beginning of a collaborative fantasy story. At the end of the chapter, readers vote on what happens next. Set in an interesting world that borrows mythology from the Zodicac. I rather enjoyed the multi-chapter story I read a few weeks ago... this is a new story.

"It has been confirmed that Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, two of the richest teens in America, have decided to attend University of Wisconsin in Eau Claire, WI beginning in the Fall of the 2003-2004 academic year." --Olsen Twins Set to Attend University of Wisconsin in Eau Claire, WICNN?)

Why the awkward passive that conceals who "confirmed" this claim? Why is this article in the "World" section of what appears to be the CNN website? Thanks, Sarah, for pointing it out!

"The chocolate-making capabilities of Wonka's heavily fortified compound have long been a source of speculation. Wonka, defying international calls for full disclosure, has maintained his silence regarding his factory's suspected capacity to manufacture confections of mass deliciousness....'Without full inspections, there's no earthly way of knowing which direction Wonka's going. Not a speck of light is showing, so the danger must be growing. And he's certainly not showing any signs that he is slowing. Are the fires of Hell a-glowing? Is the grisly reaper mowing? Who can provide the world with the answer to these pressing questions?'

"'The candy man can,' Rumsfeld added grimly.'"

[An Oompaloompa writes: "Just wanted to let you know that the Wonka article in The Onion was a wonderful pick-me-up this morning. Since I work for the corporation that produces the Wonka brand, it probably tickled me even more than some others."] --UN Orders Wonka to Submit to Chocolate Factory InspectionsThe Onion)

"Hear me now: Jim Henson was Kermit. Steve Whitmire is a Henson impersonator. Admittedly, a damn talented one -- his Ernie, in particular, nearly captures the affability and innocence of the original -- but the equal of Henson? Step back from the brink, Dennis." --I Appreciate The Muppets on a Much Deeper Level Than YouThe Onion)

If you've ever gotten a "CONFIDENTIAL" e-mail from a Nigerian official whose shift key seems to be stuck, you'll appreciate this spoof. --Spoof of "Nigerian E-mail Scam"Palnatoke)

Vocation
"I want to be a Bohemian, Rachel."
"A what?"
"A Bohemian, a hanger onner around the arts"
"I thought you already were - all that cafe society poetry stuff"
"Yes, but it's kinda hard on your own - do you want to be one too?"
"Erm, can't I be a bum instead?"
Elin Merriman

--Fifty Word FictionAlistair Fitchett)

Click the question mark to view a random story, click N to see the newest, or click S to submit your own.

Interesting Photo Caption...Yahoo News)

Wow... that must have been some slideshow.

"I have seen one of the finest instances of user interface design ever, and I saw it in the men's room at Schipol airport in Amsterdam. In each of the urinals, there is a little printed blue fly...If they had put big circular targets, and arrows with a little printed message "pee here!" (like it would probably be if anybody ever tried such a thing in America), it would backfire. A certain percentage of men would deliberately try to disobey this instruction. But this innocuous little fly just invites being peed upon..." Maddog

--Fly UIMaddog)

We at the Literacy Weblog are not too highbrow to snicker at a user interface article featuring an innovation designed to improve the cleanliness of public bathrooms by subtly influencing men to improve their aim. We are also not above making cheap jokes, like how Microsoft ought to start making these things since there are already so many bugs in everything else they make.

Amusing WebWord thread about awful headlines and the misuse of "Ye Olde English" grammar. This particular awful title detracted from a very sensible article by Peter Seebach. --"Here ye -- let thine site visitors speak" discussion on WebwordWebword)

"As his twenty fourth year as Pontiff comes to a close, the physically frail yet still forceful Pope John Paul II has told his clergy to add 'Blue Stars' to the revered rosary beads. These stars will replace every fifteenth bead on the traditional talisman." --In Departure For Catholic Church, Pope Adding 'Blue Stars' to RosaryBroken Newz [satire])

The article creates an alternate history timeline in which the introduction of Lucky Charms to Poland inspires the collapse of the Communist empire. Not quite as good as The Onion's "Aged Pope 'Just Blessing Everything in Sight,' Say Concerned Handlers".

"A recently leaked trailer for The Return of the King has Tolkien fans outraged over the apparent addition of a new character - Jar-Jaromir. The scene depicted in the trailer shows Jar-Jaromir shouting, 'Gondora gonna fallsa'; he then trips over a corpse and knocks down a couple of Uruk-hai." Brian Biggs --Fans Outraged at New Character in The Return of the KingBBspot [satire])

The comedy bits added for Gimli's scenes in The Two Towers do seem to have been a bit much, though I have to admit I laughed (or at least chuckled) when I first saw them. But if Lucas had done Tolkien, the satirical article linked above might not be too far-fetched. "Gondora gonna fallsa"? You could have come up with better spoof dialogue than that, Mr. Biggs. Still, the fake quote from a fan trying to rationalize the connection between Middle Earth and Star Wars is hilarious.

"Apparently Jennifer Lopez is coming out with a new 'fragrance' (which is what they call perfume these days, I guess) called Glow by J-Lo. Here's some others that will follow on its heels.

• Mince by Prince
• This Is How You Should Smell by Martha Stewart
• Texas Tea by G.W.B.
• Free For The Taking by Winona
• Affair by Cher
• I Am Led To Understand That This Has An Agreeable Odor But, Lacking A Nose, I Cannot Vouch For It Myself by Michael Jackson
• Stink by N*Sync
• Attack of the Colognes by Lucas
• Drool by Jewel
• I Hereby Command You To Purchase This by Oprah
• Republic of Sudan by Alan Greenspan
• Stench by Judi Dench"

Matthew Baldwin

--Non ScentsDefective Yeti)

BTW, I get a lot of links from Jorn Barger's Robot Wisdom.

"Proposal. Develop a false website and organization concentrating on the newest national concern: videogame addiction and violence. This organization is called Mothers Against Videogame Addiction and Violence (MAVAV, www.mavav.org). There is a great amount of stereotypes about people who play videogames (anti-social, depressed, unintelligent) and a lot of videogame violence bashing and blame (scapegoat) by the media and the government. So I decided to play off this, exaggerating all the common stereotypes, creating absurd facts, and officially linking violence in videogames to killers. :)" David Yoo --Interactivity Final Assignment: Create a Hoax. Submission: "Mothers Against Videogame Addiction and Violence" (Parsons School of Design)

For years, undergraduates everywhere will be citing this website in their freshman composition papers. Hint to students: look for peer-reviewed academic journal articles, not web pages that pop up in response to a google.com search!