Amusing: April 2005 Archive Page

A gauzy Skein of Propylene --
That sways with slightest Breath --
This bag holds smocks -- and Bread and Milk
But -- in its folds -- lies Death.
It sways and puffs -- this Thistledown, Balloonlike in its joy --
Each tiny mouth a perfect fit -- This bag is not a toy.

-- Emily Dickinson --Rewrite some banal instructions in the style of some famous writer (Washington Post)

Not. From an oldie-but-goodie Washington Post Style Invitational. (Via So you want to start blogging...)

I discovered an abandoned deposit in my company owned by one of our Outer Rim customers who died along with his entire family as a result of an landspeeder crash. He actually deposited this funds amounting to IC12,000,000,000.00 (Twelve billion Imperial Credits), for safe keeping in my company here in Mos Eisley. Company file records shows that the funds was actually for a project our late costumer wanted to start in the near future (a multi million Dollar Spice plant in Kessel), before his sudden and untimely death. As such since his death none of his relations or next-of-kin has come forward to lay claims for this property as the heir, this is the basically the reason why I have contacted you. My company cannot release the roperty unless someone applies for claim as the next-of-kin to the deceased as indicated in our operating guidelines. --PRIVATE AND URGENT (The Darth Side)

Amusing comment posted to Darth Vader's blog. ("Tomorrow I may strangle General Veers.")

First, pigeons cannot fly through Windows. Second, since they don't fly in darkness either, this method's bandwidth drops to zero 50% of the time. Finally, there's the problem of droppings download. We are pleased to report that all these shortcomings were resolved in our new data transfer protocol, as we now turn to describe.

System architecture: the system is constructed of a back end - a carriage, Ben-Hur movie style, which is made of a yoke made of light Balsa, and outfitted with two huge wheels - 2 DVD wheels, 4.7 Giga each. --Snails are faster than ADSL (Ami Ben-Bassat's Blog)

Professor Ernesto wants to talk about plagiarism in student papers. Floor open.
Questions: Is there really a problem here? (Smythe)
Professor Ernesto: What'sthe percentage of student work that'ssuspect? Really, that high? Why don't we just castrate their damn laptops? That'sobviously where it'scoming from.
Professor Dale notes that the act of appropriation may sometimes be an homage.
Professor Ernesto grabs Professor Dale'sbriefcase and shakes out all the papers. Yells, ?This is an act of appropriation, not an homage!?
Professor Dale threatens to deconstruct Professor Ernesto.
The chair brings the meeting to order again. Directs task force of Professors Dale and Ernesto to look jointly into student plagiarism. --David Galef --Last Week'sEnglish Department Meeting (Inside Higher Ed)

We've got an English faculty meeting tomorrow...

Your Linguistic Profile:

55% General American English

30% Yankee

10% Upper Midwestern

5% Dixie

0% Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

--What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

Nogroski presented his results before the entire fifth-grade science community Monday, in partial fulfillment of his seventh-period research project. According to the review panel, which convened in the lunchroom Tuesday, "Otters" was fundamentally flawed by Nogroski's failure to identify a significant research gap.

"When Mike said, 'Otters,' I almost puked," said 11-year-old peer examiner Lacey Swain, taking the lettuce out of her sandwich. "Why would you want to spend a whole page talking about otters?" --Fifth-Grade Science Paper Doesn't Stand Up To Peer Review (The Onion (satire; will expire))

Thanks for the suggestion, Will.

M: An argument isn't just contradiction.
A: It can be.
M: No it can't. An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition.
A: No it isn't.
M: Yes it is! It's not just contradiction.
A: Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.
M: Yes, but that's not just saying 'No it isn't.'
A: Yes it is!
M: No it isn't! --The Argument Sketch [Monty Python]

You Get Transported To Another Dimension and Find This Weird Machine In A Maze And Then Some Other Stuff Happens, It's Really Cool --Jacqueline H. Lott --The Stupid Title Comp

What a stupid title for an adventure game.

Super-volcano, robotic rebellion or terrorism? Kate Ravilious asks 10 scientists to name the biggest danger to Earth and assesses the chances of it happening. --What a way to go  (Guardian)

Just in case you've gotten lax and started feeling optimistic or something, and you were planning to get a good 8 hours sleep tonight, this list will give you something worthwhile to fear.

Wireless internet is an idea that first formulated back during the Cold War. It was a young Al Gore who first was struck in the head by an apple (much like Sir Newton, except this apple was thrown at Gore by Ollie North). Mr. Gore said to himself, in a very slow and monotonous tone, "I should create a world wide communication network... with my bare hands! All by myself!" And then, about an hour later, over a bowl of scrambled eggs with ketchup, he thought out loud, "You know what... once I have this internet thing completed, I should make it go through the air without wires... I will make this with my bare hands! The question is how..." --Mike Rubino --Wi-Fi Madness (Tranquility Lost)

Lately I've been love-bombing Mike Rubino, a graphic arts and creative writing double major, who's a major presence on blogs.setonhill.edu, but who for some silly reason won't declare a new media journalism major. He hasn't even taken a class with me yet. (Was it something I said?)

Anyway, he's a great satirist. I'm surprised I missed this back in August when he first posted it.

The implications of scalable theory have been far-reaching and pervasive. In fact, few end-users would disagree with the deployment of expert systems, which embodies the private principles of artificial intelligence. We explore new introspective configurations, which we call KindlerDop.--Shatner, Elmo, Jerz and Nye --An Improvement of XML (SciGen)

Read the backstory behind this random CS paper generator. From Metafilter.

Note the citations to articles by "Elmo, T. M." in the bibliography. Brilliant!

"Just think about it," I would tell them with as straight a face as I could muster, "next Tuesday the Royal Shakespeare Company will be on campus to give their rendition of King Lear." I left time for that news to sink in, and then added: "I'm told that their production is absolutely world class." Then I would thicken the plot by adding that this is not the only cultural event scheduled for next Tuesday. "It turns out, on the same evening, there also will be a performance by a man who, I am told, can fart the 'Star Spangled Banner.'"

This announcement would invariably get the attention from a students sitting in the back row and wearing his baseball cap backwards: "He can really fart 'The Star Spangled Banner'?"

"That's what I'm told," I would earnestly reply.

"Wow, I sure don't want to miss that! And I'm going to bring my fraternity brothers too!"

"I'm quite sure you are," I would say, taking careful note of those students who were in on the joke (they would invariably get A's ten weeks later; and, those yahoos who nodded their agreement would invariably get C's and D's). --Sanford Pinsker --I Know How Much it Costs to Hear the Caged Bird Sing (The Irascible Professor)

A sad anecdote from the celebrity author scene:

Not surprisingly, Ms. Angelou packed the hall, but she made it clear that she was not about to meet with English classes before her reading nor would she attend a reception held in her honor by the Black Students Union after it. As a member of her entourage put it, neither event was stipulated in the contract.

--Star Trek Personality Test

Apparently I'm the middle-aged, toupee-sporting movie-era Kirk, though I'm 36 now, which is about the age of the TV-era Kirk.

Ah, well... I'm still Shatner, and to be Shatner is good! My wife picked up two more Star Trek paperbacks for me at the library booksale... one tells of Spock's first voyage on the Enterprise (under Capt. Pike), and the other tells of the end of the original five-year mission. I'm also reading the book that tells of Kirk's first mission on the Enterprise. I'm not expecting great things from these books, but since the wife and kids are off visiting grandparents in Texas, I've got a lot more time on my hands, even after doing the laundry, weeding the lawn, marking papers, reviewing a book for a publisher, and playing The Longest Journey for about four hours yesterday.

In the service, a penitent Charles will acknowledge and solemnly bewail his "manifold sins and wickedness" and promise to be faithful to Camilla. --Paul Majendie --Charles, Camilla Finally Tie Knot After 35 Years (Yahoo!)

Awkward grammar. While the author obviously meant "promise" as a verb, if you take "promise" as a noun, it seems to be the object of "bewail," suggesting that at a solemn religious service, the Prince of Wales will bewail his promise to be faithful to his new wife.

I fancy myself a pretty good sadist when it comes to generating shame and self-loathing in the tardy. If I spot a repeat offender in the hallway before class, and find that they’re not in attendance even after I’ve given them a comfortable buffer of time, I might push trashcans and desks in front of the door, constructing something of an obstacle course between the doorway and the desk so that they realize they can’t sneak into the room unnoticed. In fact, all eyes turn upon them, turning what would otherwise be my lone steely glare into a collective gaze that beams upon them like so many hot spotlights. I don’t even pay attention to them, and just continue my teaching unabated.

Other tricks I’ve tried include: calling on the latecomer to answer a question the second they walk in the door, having students put their book bags on every remaining open seat, and even leaving a note on the board that says “we’re outside” while promptly canceling class altogether. Well, okay, I haven’t really done all these things. But I’ve thought about it, and they’re all in my bag of tricks if I ever get desperate. I have, however, threatened to extend class for as many minutes as it took for the last arrival to enter the room. --Mike Arnzen --Ambush the White Rabbit (Inside Higher Ed)

Q. If you could travel in time, where would you go and why?

A. I'd like to see what my 30s look like, not too far - we're talking about eight years down the line. I'd like to see what's going on in my life, that's quite interesting to me. --Q&A: Billie Piper (BBC)

My wife, who introduced me to Doctor Who, found this exchange in an interview with the actress who plays the companion on the new BBC series. Bear in mind, this actress has just completed filming a season of episodes about a guy who can travel in space and time. It's not like this kind of question was completely out of the blue.

Talk about self-centered!