“The chocolate-making capabilities of Wonka’s heavily fortified compound have long been a source of speculation. Wonka, defying international calls for full disclosure, has maintained his silence regarding his factory’s suspected capacity to manufacture confections of mass deliciousness….’Without full inspections, there’s no earthly way of knowing which direction Wonka’s going. Not a speck of light is showing, so the danger must be growing. And he’s certainly not showing any signs that he is slowing. Are the fires of Hell a-glowing? Is the grisly reaper mowing? Who can provide the world with the answer to these pressing questions?’

“‘The candy man can,’ Rumsfeld added grimly.'”

[An Oompaloompa writes: “Just wanted to let you know that the Wonka article in The Onion was a wonderful pick-me-up this morning. Since I work for the corporation that produces the Wonka brand, it probably tickled me even more than some others.”] —UN Orders Wonka to Submit to Chocolate Factory InspectionsThe Onion)