Tevye from Fiddler on the Roof, Now a Rich Man, Receives a Letter from His HOA

Dear Tevye,

This letter is to inform you that you are in gross violation of the rules of this Homeowners’ Association (HOA). Please note the following infractions:

  • Your contract allows for a modest structure in the prevailing style of the neighborhood. It does not allow for a big tall house with rooms by the dozen.
  • Your building permit was for the lot at 161 Maple Street. Instead, you built a house right in the middle of the town, a commercial district not zoned for residential use.
  • Your yard is filled with chicks and turkeys and geese and ducks. They are there for the town to see and hear. They not only squawk just as noisily as they can, but they also seem to be saying, “baGEE,” “baGOO,” “baGAH,” and sometimes “baGUH,” instead of the traditional “gobble,” “quack,” and “honk.” These noises land like a trumpet on the ear. Poultry farming is explicitly prohibited in our charter.
  • While a certain amount of biddy biddy bum will be tolerated, it has come to our attention that you biddy biddy bum all day long.

We have tried to be patient, Mr. Tevye, but your house’s HOA violations are the worst we’ve seen since Cosette’s Castle on a Cloud. –Stephen Ruddy, McSweeney’s