Telegrams were always better plot devices than USPS letters

I can’t summon up actual nostalgia for the postal service. Telegrams were always a much a better plot device: “It’s a telegram from my Aunt Sadie, you know, the one I’ve never mentioned before but whose pet allergies would no doubt disrupt Junior’s new dog-walking business. It seems she’s in town, but she doesn’t say where she’s staying. Junior, will you pick up those poodles and go see who just rang the doorbell?”

“You’re saying that this service of yours would be expected to send uniformed workers to every house and business in America?”

“Yes.”

“How would the homeowners and business owners summon these couriers?”

“They wouldn’t have to summon them — the postal workers would be required to just automatically show up.”

“How often?”

“Every day but Sunday.”

“And then you say that they’d carry the letter anywhere in the country? Door to door?”

“Yes.”

“So how much would it cost to take a letter from, say, St. Louis, Missouri, to Kansas City, Missouri?”

“Forty-six cents.”

“But how can you possibly do such a thing so cheaply?”

“Some people will complain that it’s too expensive.” —CNN.com.