WB1-1: Revision Exercises

There are several ways to have a career as a writer. Some people work for newspapers, some write instruction manuals and other business documents, and still others write political speeches. But whatever your writing task, the thing that is most important is to learn to write with your audience foremost in your mind. (53 words)

The above passage is grammatically correct. There are no misspelled words, there are no factual errors, and the author sticks to one topic. Nevertheless, the above passage wastes words.

There are [1] several ways to have [2] a career as a writer. Some people work for [3] newspapers, some write [4]  instruction manuals and other business documents, and still others write [5]   political speeches. But whatever your writing [6]  task, the thing that is most important [7] is to learn to write [8]  with your audience foremost in your mind. (52 words)

Let's break the above passage down.  Remove all the content-bearing nouns and replace them with letters, simplify all the verbs, and just look at the structure.

There are several ways to do X. One way is A, another way is B, and another way is C. But the most important thing about X is D.

If your goal as a writer is to convince your reader of the importance of "D" (in our first example, the concept of writing with the audience foremost in your mind), then why bother to introduce A, B, and C?

Whether you are in situation A, B, or C, doing a good job with X depends upon your ability to do D.

Whether you are in journalism, marketing, or politics, being a good writer means keeping your audience foremost in your mind. (20 words)

Now that we've cut a lot of words that were dong nothing but taking up space, let's see about inserting some new ideas to advance the argument.

Creative writers such as poets must carefully consider how their readers respond to every word they write. Whether you are in journalism, marketing, or politics, being a good writer means keeping your audience foremost in your mind. (37 words... even with a new sentence that enriches the idea, this revision is shorter than the original.)

Poets often dedicate their poems to their readers. Professional writers in journalism, business, and advertising should do the same.  (19 words... but "poets" and "poems" is redundant.)

Poets obsess over their readers; every professional writer should do the same. (12)

Sentence Combination

(Modified from http://dolphin.upenn.edu/~totoro2/CALL/526/shannon.html)

Choppy Sentences:

Sentences contain thoughts. Short sentences can be powerful. Powerful sentences are good. Some thoughts are short. Short thoughts fit in short sentences. Some thoughts are not so short.  Not-so-short thoughts don't fit in short sentences. They are complex thoughts.  Complex thoughts have many parts.  Short sentences chop up complex thoughts. Only part of the thought fits in a short sentence. That's why short sentences are choppy. You can't put a long thought in a short sentence. You need a long string of short sentences. Long strings of short sentences are boring. They also lead to needless repetition. And sentence fragments, too, sometimes.

Revision:

Short sentences are tasty morsels, but complex thoughts require more complex sentences, with some parts simmering in silence while others do their bit, carefully arranging the plate and cup, the knife and fork, and the napkin and the garnish just so, with the gravy of examples and the seasoning of metaphors, before serving the reader a great meaty slab of thought.

Comma Splice

Another writing issue is the comma splice, it happens when you stick two separate thoughts together with a comma.

Another writing issue is the comma splice, which happens when you stick two separate thoughts together with a comma.

A comma splice is two separate thoughts joined by a comma.

Weak Conjunction

Many of us have learned to write on word processors, and this makes us think additively.  But we don't realize it. Additive thinking means solving problems by adding; in the case of writing, this means adding more words to express our ideas. We often join our ideas with conjunctions (and, but, or) to signal that the thoughts we place next to each other are somehow connected, and this forces the readers to decide for themselves just what the connection is. This makes it harder for readers to reconstruct the author's ideas.

 Revision:

Because the ability to insert text encourages us to solve writing problems by adding more words, those of us who have always done school work on computers may not realize how additive thinking affects our writing. Rather than emphasizing causality or contrast by using a grammatical structure that explicitly shows the connection between our thoughts, we may instead stitch our thoughts together with the conjunction "and," forcing our readers to guess at the intended connection.

[The revision uses words like "because" to emphasize a causal connection, and "rather than" to emphasize a contrast. The revision also avoids the vague "this" (another sign of additive thinking).]