Clinton Escapes Through Air Vent

An expression of rage, witnesses reported, came over Starr’s face as the befuddled agents followed the special investigator’s gaze overhead. There, in the middle of the ceiling, a grid panel covering one of the building’s ventilation shafts had been removed and was sitting diagonally askew in its casing, as if it had been hastily replaced.

“You fools! He’s in the air vent!” Starr shouted at the agents, slamming his fist into his open palm. “After him!”

[..]

Exactly what happened after Clinton crawled into the courthouse’s labyrinthine network of ventilator ducts is unknown as of press time. However, the president was briefly spotted when a group of reporters playing cards in an unoccupied courtroom noticed plaster falling from the ceiling onto their table, prompting them to look up and see the president’s surprised face gazing down at them from a ceiling grate.

The reporters immediately opened fire, riddling the ceiling area with questions. When the smoke cleared, however, Clinton was nowhere to be found. —Clinton Escapes Through Air Vent (The Onion (Satire))

I am in tears, trying to keep from waking up my family as I indulge in Oniony back-issue goodness.