About the Sinkhole in the Adjunct Faculty Lounge, and Other Mid-Semester Announcements

I recently spoke with the Sarah Sutton, General Manager of the Walmart on Victory Boulevard, and she’d like me to express to you all that while she’s still willing to permit any adjunct faculty members in need of shelter to sleep in the loading bay behind the store, trapping and consuming the seagulls that flock to the parking lot overnight is now forbidden, as piles of seagull bones left in the lot have apparently damaged the fragile wheels of several shopping carts. Mrs. Sutton also asked me to remind everyone that sobbing or shrieking is forbidden between the hours of 10 pm and 9 am on weekdays.
[…] I’d like to extend my gratitude to everyone trapped at the bottom of the sinkhole in the adjunct faculty lounge. You’ve all been both patient and brave, and that so many of you have agreed to continue teaching your courses online via laptops lowered into the sinkhole shows an admirable dedication to your students. Unfortunately, due to a scheduling error the sinkhole has been slated for filling and repair next week, which is sooner than rescue crews believe they’ll be able to retrieve everyone trapped within.–McSweeney’s Internet Tendency