A Dance Mom Gets Schooled by a Ballet Mistress Who Can Write

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• This just goes to show the value of communication. If the teacher had only iterated the issues to the group, then all would be as in the know as the teacher. As it is, the teacher is using information as power. When people relish being kings of their fiefdoms, then info is the weapon, which is clearly how the teacher intended it.

  This dynamic highlights an issue I have with public, primary education. The schools talk of student self-advocacy but don't offer avenues to model this. Parents are asked to let kids work it out with teachers, but they then shoot the kids down. The results: anonymous letters for fear of retribution. How wrong is that?

• It occurs to me that perhaps I should note that parents paid a performance fee to be in this show, so the question the missing cast lists answers is not "Did my kid get picked to dance in the ballet (so that I'll know whether to keep the peformance weekend free)?" but rather "What ROLE will my kid dance?"

• What a shame that the educator decided to punish everyone by withholding the cast list because she was angry. That is very telling about her ethics. I would have hoped She could have taken the high road as the educator/model for the kids. Maybe there's a reason the parent went anonymous. Having said that, the mother could have "adulted" with a private email or discussion.

  • The original writer had several options, including sending a signed or unsigned message; sending it to a large group or just the person responsible for the casting; adopting any tone, including (but not limited to) scolding, polite, or neutral. The teacher also had options when she wrote her response -- and as a writing teacher I find this whole thread very interesting.

• This is interesting, Dennis! All interesting perspectives and good points. This made me think more about courtesy and (semi) public shaming. I don't think either of them behaved well, and I wonder if there is some backstory such as the child of the parent having been reprimanded for tardiness and told she needs to be more responsible. The parent may have had a chip on her shoulder and took the opportunity.

• Casting is hard at all levels. Parents all want to make their kids happy. These, understandably, are often opposing forces. Been there, been yelled at.

• I'm not a business owner. But if I were, I'd politely apologize and ask for patience. I'd explain that there were scheduling complications. I also would delay the posting a day or two after my apology so it didn't look like the dance mom forced my hand. There's a need to balance "the customer is always right" with maintaining the direction of the business

• I assume the list is parents of current students. This is the cast list for a show in December, by the way -- almost 3 months away. Thanks for the responses, folks.

  • The content of the cast list (or of the production, or the costuming, etc., etc.) is not to be questioned, certainly. Those are decisions directly related to the area of the director's expertise. I maintain that sloppy communication is a reflection of the director's disdain for the peons who pay her salary.

  • It would be interesting to know how people's opinions on this vary based on if they/their child has been heavily involved in performing arts, casually or not at all. I think those of us who are involved have been "trained" not to question certain things or people, like cast lists and directors. Someone outside "the business" may question the seeming double standard.

• As a parent I understand not wanting to sign my name to a complaint, in order to protect my child from retaliation.

• Is the email list actually "public" (including prospective parents) or just for current parents of enrolled students who are presumably in the same situation? It was a little snarky to talk about a "teaching moment" but the parent did not accuse her of anything like arrogance and cowardice .

• It's been a lonnnnnng time since I had a kid in dance school, but my feeling on the matter is that a delay in posting a cast list, when a date for said cast list was clearly stated ahead of time, is a big disservice to those who are waiting for it. I wouldn't argue with the point that there are numerous legitimate reasons for said delay, but as either a parent or a student, I would be frustrated and disappointed at the discourtesy -- indeed, I'd call it downright rudeness -- of this ballet mistress' failure to state that the cast list would be delayed. I certainly fault her ethics. This is no way to run a business.

  True, the parent wanting to know why this information was delayed did some toe-stomping in the manner of her asking. I don't recommend that either. But if I HAD a child in this school, I'd have pulled her out, and I'd be telling all the other parents what had prompted my decision.

  • Angelyn, you don't know me.
    I don't know you. And I don't have a dog in this fight. I don't live in the area, and I do not have a child who has an interest in dance.
    But Dennis, whom I know from college, put this whole mess up on Facebook with A SLOW CLAP (!) for actions I find completely unprofessional out of a person who should be professional enough to communicate properly.
    I am sorry about your son.
    But I am utterly unwilling to spend any money - which, for my family, would be hard-earned and would need to be well-spent - or any of my child's time with a professional artistic person who is so consumed with a perceived threat to her authority that she has lost perspective on how she will actually receive payment for the artistic expertise she owns.
    One does not criticize one's director for artistic decisions on the tempi for Carmina Burana, for example, or for the decisions of casting or even which pieces are to be performed. Or, for that matter, the color of the programs.
    However, poor communication is not to be excused. A person who slams a parent's complaint about an administrative - not artistic - matter in such a way is not a person I choose to have in my life.
    This is not a spoiled mentality. This is a mentality of Avoid The Unnecessary Crap. I would certainly, if my child were interested in this program, be finding another program. Since I live where I do, that would mean driving an hour to find a professional instructor whom I could admire. That, I would do.
    Keep this touchy dance mistress involved with my kid? No way.

  • I think there are far worse things in life that happen than for a cast list to be a week late. As with life, things do happen out of your control and it's a shame that we live in a world with people who require immediate gratification and it's a "me, me, me" kind of mentality. Instead of being patient, and polite or understanding you would rather pull your child out of the play because of your frustration for the delay? If I were the instructor, I would say good riddance. You, yourself agreed that the reasons it was late were legitimate yet your still unsatisfied. That's also the spoiled mentality that people have now a days. Entitlement. As a mother, and a role model for my child, I would never pull my child from a program for something that trivial. Not everything in life bends at your will or works out the way we always want. If that were the case, my son wouldn't have stage 4 cancer. But things happen in life, it's all a matter of how you process them. Just my personal thoughts and opinion.

    Ps. I do agree with you that a polite communication from instructor to students and teacher would have appropriate regarding the delay.