Student 5

      But to the Group Y community, the question of

whether Situation X is really a problem is not so 

simple.  (12) 

Academics and politicians who are too quick 

to think of Situation X as major social 

problem are ignoring the particular cultural 

viewpoint of members of Group Y, who have for

several generations accepted and even 

welcomed each successive incident of 

Situation X. (Group Y Home Page, par. 2) (13) 

One study found that men and women from Group Y who 

benefited from Situation X had slightly higher blood 

pressure, and were slightly less educated than average

(Tucker 22). Nevertheless, men who reported a 'high' 

or 'steady' exposure to incidents of Situation X were

20% less likely to "stay at home Saturday nights without 

dates.  Group Y women in the same category had clearer

skin and taller boyfriends" (Brown 34).(14)

(12) Whoa!  This came out of nowhere.  Look at the title of your paper... You had been consistently referring to "Problem X," but now suddenly you change your terms! It's now no longer a "problem" but a "situation".

(13) You seem to feel that this one web page represents the opinions of an entire community. What evidence do you have to support that implicit claim?

(14) You are doing a much better job of integrating outside material into your own paragraph.  I am finally seeing some of your own intellectual effort.  The results are promising, but they start far too late in your paper.