02 Dec 2005; Dennis G. Jerz

In the following example, the author is a character in the story, rather than an observer.

	Sophomore Rita Jones said she copes with stress by baking cookies. When I asked what kind of cookies she baked, she laughed and said that her favorite kind is chocolate chip, which makes her okay in my book. I agree with her -- no other kind of cookie really matters.
	Bo-ring! You should paraphrase those dry facts, and use direct quotes to present the opinions, emotions, and promises of your sources.
	According to Sally Smith, director of Residence Life, the new dorm will house 36 residents. "The apartments are very bright and airy. I think students will love them," she said.
	Better, but that's still a lot of words to convey a simple fact.
	The new dorm won't be ready until next October, but Sally Smith has already figured out how she can help the 36 new residents decorate for the holidays. In an apartment designed for four to six students, "the common space is usually too busy for a traditional Christmas tree," Smith said. "So we're putting a big one in the lobby."
	Journalists are experts at slipping in concrete details unobtrusively. This revision conveys some factual information about the dorm, but at the same time expresses Smith's personality, as well as the atmosphere she hopes the dorms will generate.

While a news feature is a human interest story, the reporter isn't supposed to be the interesting human. In traditional news writing, the reporter is an invisible observer. Phrases like "when I asked" and "I agree" insert the reporter into the story.

But writing from the perspective of an invisible observer is not as simple as removing the word "I":

Somphomore Rita Jones said she copes with stress by baking  cookies. When this reporter asked her what kind of cookies, Jones laughed and said that she doesn't think any cookie exists other than chocolate chip.

In the above revision, the motion from "I" to "you" is helpful, but the reporter is about as invisible as a guy with a bag over his head. (Besides, "this reporter" has never heard any journalist outside of old movies using the "this reporter".)

If you ask Sophomore Rita Jones how she copes with holiday stress, she might bake you some cookies. When asked what kind of cookies, she said, "Chocolate chip! What other kind are there?"

This is getting better -- but now there's a tension between the imaginary conversation ("If you ask Rita... she might") and the real conversation the reporter did have with Rita ("When asked... she said.")

Let's go back to basics. What are the facts? Rita Jones is a sophomore at Seton Hill University, who likes to bake cookies when she is streseed. This story is not exactly hard-hitting investigative reporting, but it might appeal to students who are stressed as the end of fall term approaches.

Let's try to introduce your readers to Rita as quickly as possible, giving them a reason to keep reading. The trick is to keep yourself out of it.

The reader doesn't need to be told that "peanut butter" was the direct answer to a question about what kind of cookies they are. Because the reporter has backed out of the picture, there is more room for the reader to enter, and engage directly with the details the reporter has provided.

Specify that a source is responding to a direct question when omitting that detail would convey an inaccurate impression. Don't rely on "when asked about" simply because you need a transition.

Sounds pretty bizarre, right? Don’t worry, I made up the example.  I also made up a transcript of what really happened, on the sidewalk outside the Paris Convention Hall, as Bush was rushing from his limo into the front lobby:
 
 
There are no lies in the “Bush Stuns” story, but there are important omissions. The casual reader might assume the bunny statement was part of Bush’s prepared speech.

Here are several ways you might introduce this odd detail, if for some reason you felt it was newsworthy.

You might try the more stark
You might choose one of the above options if you asked the question yourself. But if you're looking for some "color" to humanize an event, you might want to play up this little incident.

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