If you were this person’s attorney, you’d probably want this social media blurb phrased a little differently. The headline attached to the story is clearer. Yes, the social media blurb is shorter, but I’d rather cut the “Twp” and make room for the unambiguous “and.”
Derry man accused of assaulting female witness and attorney jailed on $100k bond.
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Pingback: Headlines: Why editors matter in journalism. | Jerz's Literacy Weblog (est. 1999)
I saw that on the Trib’s website when it was posted and eagerly clicked to find out how all ended in the attorney being jailed.
Both of your revisions are much better!
Yeah for me to grab it at first glance it needs to be “Derry Twp. man accused of assaulting female witness and attorney is jailed on $100,000 bond”
Aren’t commas allowed in headlines?
Difference between the headline and the social media blurb. The comma isn’t enough to clear up the problem.
“Derry Twp. man, accused of assault on female witness and attorney, jailed on $100,000 bond”