“To appear on the construction site drinking a beverage that is both calorie- and caffeine-free would be an emasculating blow to my carefully cultivated image as a burly, rough-and-tumble working-class type,” Burdon said. “The sight of me consuming such a soft drink would diminish the respect I enjoy from my professional peer group by casting a light of skepticism upon my masculinity and even my sexuality.” —Area Man Buying Not So Much a Soft Drink as an ImageThe Onion)

Not quite as good as “Grad Student Deconstructs Take-out Menu,” but still worth a chuckle.