“We believe the victim was assaulted after hours Friday by an unknown individual or individuals,” a Columbia County sheriff’s departmaent spokesman said. “Though autopsy results are still pending, we believe the victim suffered fatal head trauma after his face was immobilized against the glass of a photocopier and repeatedly struck with the machine’s cover.” —White-On-White Violence Claims Life Of Accounts Receivable Supervisor (The Onion (Satire))

I never thought the Kornfeld character was funny enough to deserve his own recurring column, but it looks like his untimely death might spark an enjoyable, long, drawn-out story.