Described in its patent filing as a “hype-generating mechanism with fully integrated Mac compatibility,” the iLaunch is powered by Intel dual-core processors optimized to calculate a product’s gravitas. Apple claims the iLaunch can garner the same amount of press attention as a major scientific discovery, high court ruling, celebrity meltdown, or natural disaster at 200 times the speed of a traditional media-fostered launch.

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“For too long, hands-on, maverick CEOs have devoted their valuable time to strutting around on stage and breathlessly describing the features of their new products, in the process encouraging cults of personality that could have a detrimental long-term effect on their companies,” Jobs said. “Apple’s goal within the next 12 months is to make me totally obsolete.”

This comment earned the Apple CEO another, slightly longer, standing ovation. —Apple Unveils New Product-Unveiling Product (The Onion)