Dear Candidate: Thank you again for meeting with us at the American Historical Association’s annual conference. We have narrowed down the applicant pool to three very strong candidates, yourself included, but we just can’t decide among them! We hope you would be willing to come to the campus, along with the other candidates, and fight to the death for our amusement. –“Dexter Coisson” —Groundhog Day on the Market (Chronicle)

Five hundred quatloos on the newcomer!