Stay tuned for more live footage of StormSurge FearCast Weather Crusaders, standing in the cold, snow blowing in their faces!

Media personalities, warning everyone to stay inside, except of course for the media personalities paying back student loans by churning out anxiety-producing live reports like this one!

Our own Slick Goodhair, telling you just how bad the roads are!

The soothing cadences of Slick’s voice, carefully omitting verbs, using only present participles! Carefully manufacturing a sense of constant urgency, seamlessly wrapped into a comforting sensual experience!

Visually compelling video that pops! Out-of-context sound bites that enrage! Graphics that summarize newspaper headlines and government documents that are too big and scary for you to read for yourself, so you can trust us to tell you what you should think about them!

A 30-second promo, carefully crafted to avoid giving away any actual news that might be in a 45-second item we’re not planning to air for another 24 minutes! (And we’ll have teased it two more times by then… made you stay tuned! ***WINK!***)

Swirling computer images and a techno-pop synthesized theme carefully engineered to make you synchronize your heartbeat to it!

You, tuning in day after day!

You, smiling at footage of a person who needs you to hate somebody else in order to stay in power!

You, trusting someone else to tell you what to think and who to believe!

You, watching, until you don’t know where your soul ends and The Media begins!

You, hailing the glowing rectangular oracle!