Plain Language Humor: Nine Easy Steps to Longer Sentences

From the U.S. Government’s Plain Language website, a satirical guide by Kathy McGinty.

Are you tired of short, direct, and simple sentences that seem
to take forever to fill up a page? Are you paid by the word? In
either case you can benefit by increasing the number of words
in your sentences and the bulk of your writing. And it’s easy
if you just follow nine simple steps, many of which you may already
know and practice.

To show how easily you can apply these steps, I’ll start with
the following ludicrously short and simple sentence and increase
its verbiage step by step.

More night jobs would keep youths off the streets.

Step 1: Begin to lengthen your statement by referring
to studies, even if you’re not aware of any studies. After
all, who really cares? And if anyone challenges you, you
can protect yourself by weaseling (see Step 5).

Studies have found that more night jobs would keep
youths off the streets.

Step 2: Replace simple words like more, jobs, night,
youths, and streets with multiple syllable words of
or Greek origin.

Studies have found that additional nocturnal employment
would keep adolescents off thoroughfares.