Surviving the Next Apocalypse: a Modest Curriculum

Obviously, given this surge in student demand, we need to make survivalist education another distinctive feature of our educational mission, and we must scramble to build institutional capacity in “apocalypse preparedness.” The admissions office already has brochures: “Where would you send your child: someplace that prepares them for a 20th-century job, or a community that prepares them to survive the 21st century? Our Mission: Leadership and Service After the Global Apocalypse.” This Lasaga program could be sustained by several wealthy, local donors who want us to be the No. 1 survivalist college in the nation and see no contradiction between that and the liberal arts.

Given that we haven’t tried this before, a few hours watching the History Channel and playing Sid Meier’s Civilization would give the program directors a good start at developing the curriculum:

  • water: finding, purifying, storing, and branding.
  • Food: hunting and gathering, agriculture, and wankery.
  • Clothing: tanning, sewing, weaving, and catwalking.
  • Metalworking: bronze, copper, iron, and bling.
  • Medicine: midwifery, dentistry, general surgery, and tattoo removal.
  • Politics: brute force, oratory, representation, and tax cuts.
  • Trade: bartering, currency, banking, and derivatives.
  • Religion: mysticism, polytheism, hats, and monotheism.
  • Storytelling: poems, myths, heroes, and M.F.A. programs.

The Chronicle of Higher Education.