BABY: read dog book again
ME: okay fine
show me where the yellow doggie is on this page
BABY: [points]
ME: good
now show me where the brown doggie is on this page
BABY: [points]
ME: now show me where the author is
BABY: [stares blankly]
ME: that’s right
the author is dead

via Mallory Ortberg, How To Talk To Babies About Semiotics.

BABY: [sleeps]
ME: HAVE YOU QUESTIONED ANYTHING ABOUT THE DRIVE TO ACCUMULATE CAPITAL TODAY
BABY: [sleeps]
ME: no of course not
you just CONSUMED and PASSED OUT
like a plutocrat
BABY: [sleeps]

via Mallory Ortberg, How To Talk To Babies About Marxist Theory