Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Poet

Spooftacular stuff, from ladysisyphus.

What are the plot-threads that clutch, what subplots grow
Out of this pulpy rubbish? Son of James,
You cannot say, or guess, for you know only
Your third-person limited perspective, where your adverbs breed,
And the caps lock gives no shelter, the chapter no relief,
And the seventh book no sign of surcease. Only
There is a horcrux inside this dark cave,
(Come into the waters of this dark cave),
And I will show you something different from either
Your battles fought previous where someone did help you
Or your battles to come which you must face alone;
I will show you fear in a cupful of juice.
                Frisch weht der Plot
                Der Bookshelves zu.
                Mein Chosen Kind,
                Wo whinest du?